On Saturday 9th July 2016, in the early hours of the morning in Hull, I did something that I thought I would never do! I stripped naked in public, had my photograph taken and I am very very proud of it.
Before everyone throws there arms up in horror and asks how my criminal record is coming along I guess I should explain a little more. There is a very good explanation honest and one it is entirely possible that you've seen on the news, Internet or newspapers over the last couple of weeks
Hull is my home town and next year it will be City of Culture 2017. As part of that artist Spencer Tunick was commissioned to produce pieces of art to reflect the city. You may not know the name of Tunick but he produces powerful art installations using people, usually naked, to add to the messages of the piece. Controversial, yep,but also very beautiful. So I along with 3199 others stripped naked and painted ourselves four different shades of blue for the Sea of Hull (#seaofhull), it was amazing.
My reasons for doing this where two fold really. First I wanted to be a part of something that is and is going to be really major for my beloved home town. I wanted to say I was there, I'm in that, I helped raise Hull's profile away from the reputation of crap town that its been labelled with for years. A positive to move forward from all the rubbish that Hull has put up with since the decline in the docks and other industry in the area.
If I'm really honest though I was the main reason that I did this! Pushing my boundaries and just seeing what me and my body can do together. We have a fractious relationship, my body and I, in fact I would go so far as to say love/hate. I am a lady of plus size proportions and I am very aware of that all of the time. The way I am feeling about how I look can affect my mood, the way I react to situations and indeed to people. To put it bluntly I have felt ugly for a very long time, I think all of the time I have been aware of the concept of beauty v.s ugly.
Why then expose myself (literally) in such a way! I wanted to see if I could change the way I feel about myself, to see if being part of something so beautiful would help me feel a change, accept who I am as I am and love that concept. As a therapist I ask clients all of the time to take major risks to help them alter the way they react to situations and feel about themselves, so I feel if I ask this of others I should be prepared to test me too.
I decided to take part at the end of March 2016 and shared it on my private social media, mainly so that I wouldn't back out. Those of you reading this who are a part of my private life may well be sick of hearing about this. The reactions where mainly Wow or your so brave, I couldn't do that. I did get a couple of people disapproving but in the main very supportive.
So I was committed!
Telling my family I was nervous, its a bit of a weird conversation to have with your Dad but they backed me up too. I knew that they would, they always do and managed to do it with out cringing too much. I did have conversations with friends about not telling my Dad, but I couldn't do that and knowing me if I had have gone down that path I would have been front and centre of the news coverage or something.
I travelled down from Glasgow on the Friday evening after a few clients that morning, to say the traffic was a hindrance is an understatement and I arrived at Dads house at about 10 pm that night. House was empty as my Dad was away, the restless dance of that night started. I was up and down, thinking of things I might need to do, where would I park, deciding to take off my toe nail polish in case it showed through the paint. No sleep that night at all!!!
Call time for me the next morning was 3 am in Queens Gardens in central Hull, me being me and in a bit of a tizzy with myself by this stage was there at 2 am. When worried/ anxious I am always early, however I was not alone. My tummy by this stage was doing a full blown spin cycle and I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing and if the blue paint will hide my red blushes!
I did what I always do when nervous start chatting to others , checking I'm not the only one feeling this and then providing reassurance to others. That in turn helps me to feel better. We were put in to four groups upon registration and hand over of forms giving permission to use our image etc. B2 was me, what did that mean, what was going to happen next. I found the flag for B2 and dutifully queued up to be issued with a small pot of paint to shake but not to put on yet!
I shook that tub whilst chatting to a lovely posse of people that I had started talking with in the paint queue. I must have shook that tub none stop for at least an hour as we stood round waiting for others to arrive and groups to be formed, stood round for ages. Just about the right amount of time for the anxiety to hit a peak. Not going to lie I was starting to feel a little sick.
Everyone around me was just so lovely and in the same boat, wave after wave of people coming into the Gardens. As I looked around me I realised there was every shape, size and colour there, all in this together. There where people in wheel chairs, people with sticks, really old and young people too (over 18 though). I felt a weird surge of emotion, everyone was here doing this together. It didn't matter background or size or colour or orientation or anything, we were a group of people doing something as a community to create something beautiful, they were all beautiful. Then I knew I could do it because if they were all beautiful then I was too, big boobs, wobbly belly and all!
The call came to undress and my little group and I had agreed to do this altogether and help each other with any painting requirements. There we were 3200 people undressing in a central Hull park at 4.30 am, slapping paint on each other like this was entirely normal thing to be doing, checking various crevices and bumps to make sure we had full coverage.
This was one of the least sexual experiences I have ever had, it wasn't about that, there was such a sense of positive spirit and we were all in this as one. It was fabulous. I lost all embarrassment and shame about showing myself and was left with this sense of excitement and that something really special was happening and I was right in the middle of it, not standing on the sidelines like I might have done in the past. It was also a shade chilly.
There were quite a few poses in all different positions through some of the most well know areas of the civic part of Hull, I think I had my most surreal moment when passing Marks and Spencer's walking with a whole bunch of blue and green people. Also laid on Alfred Gelder Street wondering what my Mum would have made of all this, that will have to remain a mystery.
The camaraderie of the crowd was positive and funny all at the same time. Tunick struggled with some of English terms for things (Tunick is from the USA) so the crowd as a whole would help him out, yelling back pavement when sidewalk was mentioned and Guildhall when Tunick didn't know the buildings name. Most memorably of all the artists assistant was named Steve, every time the artist called for him the crowd responded with 'Steve, Steve'. This may well be one of those moments you had to be there for but it was hilarious and put me in mind of the Minions!
After a couple of hours of posing most of us where let go while a small group went for a final set up on the Scale Lane Bridge (can only hold 800). So i returned to Queens Gardens, glad for some warmth from the clothes but in no real hurry to put them back on apart from that. I was buzzing, so excited by what had happened. I wanted to tell the world all about it, about how amazing it was, about how I felt.
How did I feel about me...... proud! Proud that I had done it, proud that I was part of something that feels important for Hull, proud to be from Hull and actually proud of my body! Proud in a way that I didn't think was really real, I watch with admiration models like Tess Holiday and the #effyourbeautystandards movement in the USA but I will admit I assumed it was just a brave front. Now I know that isn't true!
I know that my body isn't likely to feature in any commercial idea of beauty but I don't care, I now can see that all bodies are beautiful, including mine with its curves, rolls and scars. No one really looked that different with their clothes off, no one deserves to think that they are not worth thinking about or criticism if their body doesn't fit in with a very narrow view of what a small few people think is attractive. We, bodies and all, are individual and deserve love because of that ability to be different not because we all conform to one standard.
There you go! I don't know precisely what it was that affected me that morning as the sun came up but it did and it was powerful. No more dance of the seven vales on holiday beside the pool, next Turkish bath I wont be worrying about keeping my top on and I am actually going to look at a bikini for me next time I get the chance of some sun.
Thank you #seaofhull and I cant wait to see the exhibition next April.
